And

I haven’t written in a while. To be honest, I am afraid. I’m scared of what it means to search out happiness with all that I am.

I get up in the morning. Usually late. Usually I am exhausted and insta-stressed (yup, making up words here people). I lay in bed after my alarm goes off and check my work email. I’m not even kidding about this. Then I look at all of my social media outlets, all 5 of them, and pass back out. My alarm goes off 30 minutes later and I rush around the house like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready.

After that, I race to work. I get to work and it is just a blur. I barely have time to drink water or go to the bathroom. And yes, I work a desk job.

When I come home, my saving grace is yoga or looking forward to a night with friends. Sometimes I see my boyfriend whom I live with but most of the time he works nights.

That is my life.

Image

And I want it to be so drastically different that I don’t know what to do first or where to go. I ask myself if it is this place that holding me back, my boyfriend, my grief, my anxiety. But I know the truth. It’s me holding me back. Nothing else.

Which is why I started this blog. And then stalled out on this blog. I’m terrified of investigating my heart and finding out what makes me feel content. I have pieces of it here and there now. But, what does long-term contentment look like?

I guess it is my life goal to find out.

“What is your favorite word?”

“And. It is so hopeful.”

– An interview with Margaret Atwood

And. Here goes.

day 2

It’s been one of those days. One of those nothing goes right, no pursuit of happiness here days. 

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have a sinus infection and feel horrible but I just think it shows that happiness is not something that persists in every moment of ever day; but more of a sweltering feeling of contentment with the way life is headed. 

I’m working on that sweltering feeling. And the first place I am working on it is in a warm bath, with a good book and a sigh of relief that today is done.

And there is always hope for tomorrow.

First Post: 2/19/2013

Ever since I was a little girl, all I have wanted in my life was to be a writer. Oh and to fall in love and be happy. 

Right now, I’m 24 and I have one of those things: I’m in love with my boyfriend of 5 years. It’s incredible and wonderful and he makes me so happy.

But dare I say it? It’s not enough to just be in love. I want the other two things (plus a whole heck of a lot in between). I want the man of my dreams, the writing career of my dreams and more than anything, I want my soul to be content- happy- fulfilled and over pouring with joy. 

This blog is the first step in this project. I can’t promise that every post will be brimming with joy, but I can say that I am going to write this out. I am going to listen to the pitter patter of my hands on the keys of my computer every single day and know I am taking a stab at two of my heart’s deepest desires. And hopefully, I’ll find some adventures along the way.

Here’s to hoping, folks.